Friday, March 23, 2007

Give Me The Goddamn Ball.

Fuck, we're gonna lose to these Memphis bastards? Oh, hell no. Not if I have anything to say about it. Give me the goddamn ball, Lamar. I gotta do this shit and save your asses for the third damn game in a row? Fine. I'm gonna posterize these assholes right here.

I gotta do this to remind you people, cause you all just keep forgetting, wandering off. Everyone loves talking about Gilbert all the damn time. Let me tell you bastards: Agent Zero got exactly that on me: ZERO. Dude can't put up 50 on Portland? The Mamba does that before breakfast. I got your Hibachi right here.

When does the German put up 50+ on anyone for consecutive games? You mean he doesn't have to? Nah, that just means he can't. Dwyane was right for talkin' ish on that one. King James, my ass. Bron-Bron clangs those last second shots like he's shooting from the high school three line. You want me with that ball; you need me with that ball with five seconds to go, and you know it. Nash for MVP again? What do I have to do to get a bone here, pull 50 a game for the rest of the season? OK, then.

I wish Phil would stop looking at me all pissed off like that. It isn't my fault I keep having to do this shit. Big Chief Triangle knows that when we're down against Minnesota, I gotta pull the tricks out of my back pocket. We haven't had Luke, he's either been hurt or working on his acting skills (and I use that term very loosely), and you know Lamar gets hurt at least once a year, never mind Half Pipe falling on his ass and missing time.

Ever since Fatty McDiesel got all pissy and bailed, everyone's been telling me, "Man, Kobe, you gotta get the boys involved, move that ball around if you want to win." Every time I do that, we hit some rough patch, losing four, five, seven in a row. Hell if I'm gonna let it be eight. No chance, especially if they're not even gonna bother putting a body on me.

Shit, open lane again? Gimme the ball! Elevator, going up!

BOOM! Ahhh, that felt good. Rudy, don't shake your head. Stop standing to the side like that. Man, I'm fucking going off again, and y'all are all watching some college motherfuckers over this display of sheer athletic superiority? If Greg Oden were here, I'd dunk on his head too, just to let him know who's boss. No way that old man's 19. Yo, Lamar -- right here, dude! I'm coming! Damn, he looks like he wants to dish to Smush. That's Rudy-level gay, man. All right, we have liftoff!

Damn, I love Memphis -- some nice lookin' ladies hiding in those stands. Did I stash a few mil in the Vanessa apology jewelry fund? Better check after the game. Fuck, I can't believe we're letting Mike Miller and his floppy, hippie hair-banded ass hit threes like that. OK, 43 through 3 isn't enough. This is why I put on the #24; it's crunch time and I'm ready to go all Jack Bauer on your ass. When the world needs saving (especially when it comes to making sure we get into the playoffs), I'm the cat you can count on.

"It's a blessing to be on the court with him," Odom said.

You know it, Lamar. Just let me know if I gotta take it to the NOOCH on Friday like that, OK?

(Apologies to Big Daddy Drew at KSK.)