Sunday, December 31, 2006

break in the new year.

As far as this blog goes, I resolve to:

1) Post more.
2) Try to rip off the blogroll on the right a lot less by reading more before they get to it.
3) Increase the humor. Every attempt is little by little; I'm trying to get there.

Happy 2007 to you all, and no one is happier more than Eagles QB Jeff Garcia, rescued from the black hole that is Detroit and is now hosting a home playoff game. Garcia's even got his playoff beard ready to go; they've been dating for years.

The happy couple, after her day in court on assault charges when someone tried to hit on her man in Cleveland some time back.

our own ad report card.

Because Slate's Seth Stevenson sometimes misses a really bad one in his column, we shall take a shot at one that has come up during the sports viewing over the past couple months:

Dick pill ads are ubiquitous during the viewing time, as my TV is usually on cable news or sports (both of which supposedly attract a large quantity of middle-aged men). Unfortunately, YouTube has failed me today in trying to find this ad online, but you've all seen the one with the dude watching a baseball game while his wife walks by, inviting him non-verbally to knock some boots in the other room. Guy struggles with the decision, notes VCR, puts tape in, dumb little blue horns pop up over his head.

It's fairly straightforward, but it's bad for three reasons:

1) Videotaping a baseball game? It's called a TiVo, people.
2) The actress in said commercial is a stone cold fox, especially if she's supposed to be playing late 30s-early 40s. Like you'd have to hesitate.
3) If you have a very understanding partner, then there's no need to leave the couch. There are positions uniquely suited to the situation. And don't be selfish; reciprocate -- you only need to hear the game, really. Ideally, there are several instances where both of you can watch.


Frankly, GlaxoSmithKline should have gone with this ad they rejected.

the hot new buzz band.

That's it. I've had it.

After today's OT loss at the hands of THE FUCKING NINERS, I've finally been hit by the need to start a band again after years of writers' block and the inability to find like-minded people. I think it will be very easy to find members, and we will be hitting the personal stereos of sports fans from coast to coast soon.

It's a simple concept, borrowed from the Dead Schembechlers, who are no longer with us after their inspiration's untimely death just before the big game a few weeks back. All members will dress in tracksuits (we'll see if we have enough funds to order with silver lining; hopefully I can find someone rich to play bass) and wear sunglasses, much like the man at left who embodies the epitome of someone most likely to utter the words that shall be our band name.

And that name is:


Watch for our EP Where's Your Horseface Now? to hit around the 2007 NFL pre-season, complete with the soon-to-be-hit-singles "Rat Fink," "Tailback Factory Malfunction," and the epic jam "Napalm Invesco."

Saturday, December 30, 2006

creative methods of endorsement.

Cribbed from ESPN via Deadspin, it seems Tiger Woods and that very, very beautiful wife of his are expecting a child. MJD noted in the Deadspin story:

"Someone at Nike headquarters is very busy today... trying to figure out a way to get a big Swoosh to pass through Elin's birth canal, or somehow get her baby-making part in the shape of a Swoosh after the blessed event."

Nah, that leaves too much up to chance. In this age of genetic advances and given how early we can identify characteristics of children via ultrasounds, the obvious solution will hit the folks in Beaverton fairly soon, and I would appreciate some back end payment for the idea, because it will require some serious cash payment to get this done (that brings up several problematic issues: do the parents sign in the fetus' name? Does this render the kid ineligible to participate in college golf from the get-go? If it gets an endorsement contract, I don't even want to think about what that means for Roe v. Wade.)

Here's the easy way to do it: just do some slight modification to apply a swoosh birthmark to the kid's inner thigh or leg, maybe ankle or wrist. It may not be visually prevalent enough for Nike, whom I'm sure would love to have a Drew Brees-style Swoosh Mole on the cheek. We're all about compromise, so Mr. and Mrs. Woods, give 'em the forearm birthmark, but not until they shell out another $60 million. You're very welcome; just keep it in mind when I'm old and decrepit and the kid is winning titles.

"'cause everybody knows she's a femme fatale..."

When it comes to tennis, my heart (along with other things) belongs to Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams; however, I do admit to a bit of a thing for Martina Hingis, mostly because she's short, obnoxious, crass, and would probably take joy in beating me up, which I would love. We hurt the ones we love the most, and I have no problem with that in certain arenas (especially because the Swiss tend to be one of the many European nations where learning several languages is part of the overall curriculum; she's likely able to talk dirty in at least three.)

It seems Martina has racked up many a career of boyfriends and doubles partners to prove it, managing to earn the nickname "Black Widow" for her efforts. Magnus Norman, Justin Gimelstob, and Julian Alonso all earned severe or career-ending injuries after going steady with Hingis. Anna Kournikova quit after being her doubles partner. Now, the Black Widow has a new target, fiancee Radek Stepanek, and given that he's already suffering from a neck injury, they might as well sign him up for the hospital bed and change his status to "comatose" now.

The Cubs get a reprieve.

For dumbest signing of the offseason, that is. Just got back from vacation and saw a lot of dumb, stupid, and sad things (the lionizing of another dead president, James Brown passing on [saw him in state at the Apollo Theatre], time-bandit family members, UCLA losing to a horrific Florida State team in something called the Emerald Bowl, and the NY media hemorrhaging over the fall of the NY football Giants), but the San Francisco baseball Giants took the cake by signing Barry Zito to a completely dumbass contract.

Zito will get the usual bump from moving to the NL, guaranteed -- his curve is still above average. But giving him seven years is a crap shoot at best and will wreck the franchise at worst, especially since they let Jason Schmidt get down to L.A. Outside of Zito and Matt Cain, I don't like the Giants' staff, and although it pains me to say it, the Dodgers and the Padres will be topping the NL West again.

(Zito apparently used to date Alyssa Milano, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon of putting a pic of her up instead of #75).

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Happy Festivus!

And boy, do we here at S2N got a lotta problems with you people out there this year. The stupid just flows from everywhere. Let's get started on our personal grievances (if you don't read the Airing of Grievances, you should). While on vacation, I'll try and find someone in NYC to dance around the Festivus Pole. If you'd like to share your grievances in the comments, please feel free.

1) Horrific grammar on the part of journalists everywhere. Part of my day job involves the viewing of CNN (less offensive than Faux News and less moronic than everyone at MSNBC save Olbermann), and not only was I subjected to the regular mistakes of "less" instead of "fewer" and the use of "their" instead of "its", which pisses me off greatly, a reporter on CNN actually used the neologism "brung" in a live shot at 6:30 AM EST. No wonder you're losing ratings to Fox. At least they have no pretense about being stupid, ignorant blowhards.

2) Consumerism for charity: is there any trend so solipsistic and dumb as that fucking RED campaign? Yes, buy a red iPod, Motorola RAZR, or various other luxury consumer item and you will have donated a very tiny portion to help fight AIDS in Africa, or so we have been told. This makes about as much sense as when President Codpiece told us after 9/11 that the best way to keep the terrorists from winning was to keep the American economy going, in effect, the best way to fight a war of words and ideas was to keep shopping. With that sort of logic, being in Iraq seems like a forgone conclusion. Anyway, people buying and hawking these RED items to soothe American guilt (although I suspect a lot of it is liberal guilt) have done their part to assuage their own egos (I'm looking at you, Bono!)

3) Speaking of Bush: I KNOW he's drinking again. Did you see last week's press conference? The rest of it goes without saying.

4) Sports on TV: Fox is the big winner, continuing to employ both Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, but it's as if every network chooses to hire the most obnoxious, stupid, and ignorant-ass people to do their telecasts and studio shows. The latest example is former Heisman Trophy winner and lame-ass pro Desmond Howard, as provided by AwfulAnnouncing. (another good blog to be reading) STOP HIRING FORMER PLAYERS JUST BECAUSE THEY USED TO PLAY THE GAME.

5) Professional celebrities: TMZ, Extra, Access Hollywood, and everyone else make a goddamn fortune off covering people who aren't famous for anything except being famous. Their queen and Shiva is Paris Hilton, who turned being born rich into some from of career, but now people who actually had some form of accomplishment are actually starting to fall into this category. Has anyone watched a Lindsay Lohan movie made since she turned into the party girl? Britney Spears sold millions of shitty albums, but she's also falling into this category. It's sucking people in, and it's actually invading real news now. The most recent amount of stupid on this front: "The Donald" and Rosie O'Donnell, after Mr. Combover executed a public shaming of a party-hearty Miss USA on Thursday as part PR stunt to drive interest in the latest season of The Apprentice. Rosie, obnoxious and stupid as ever, happened to make a honest-to-god point about his humping and dumping, and the war began. I'm damn sure you fuckers coordinate this stuff in back rooms now.

6) Going sans culottes. Britney, Paris, LiLo -- this is for you. Put those panties back on. No one wants to see your vagina, no matter how many inappropriate sexual cracks we make and how much improper lust we express.

7) The BCS. NCAA, sack up and do a 16 team playoff. No other sport looks quite as dumb as Div. I-A college football always looks at the end of the year.

8) The airlines. I'm going to be reminded in several hours on a red-eye flight of how much I hate the fact that you all can't design a seat in coach class that isn't uncomfortable to anyone taller than 5'6".

9) Police, for reasons related to the day job.

10) Los Angeles traffic. This is the reason why I don't come home to visit my mother and old friends as much as I promised I would when I moved. The 101 shuts down once you enter L.A. County, and it takes you 30 minutes to drive two miles on a Saturday.

11) The general parade of anti-intellectualism in this country: Rarely do you get a daily display of the pride shown in being stupid in America. Watch cable news and you'll see this lorded as a virtue, as anyone with even a speck of smart about them gets denounced. I'm not saying everyone has to read three books a day and know the policy positions of every state rep and senator, and even that of their city councilman. I just don't want to hear another thing about X having a better chance to win an election because "s/he seems like the type of person you'd have a drink with" and has the right amount of moral values. We've seen where "the moral values" crowd likes to lead us, and that goes into...

12) Religious hypocrites: Love thy neighbor, my ass. Hate on gay people, anyone who fucks outside of marriage in an unapproved manner, any women who dare decide that pregnancy is their choice, and shame the people whom you think don't belong. The recent expression of these fucks was seen in Ted Haggard and Mark Foley, and then by some Virginia cracker named Virgil Goode, who happened to get himself elected to Congress (please see #11 for a likely shot of how that happened) and then proceeded to say that the folks in Minnesota who elected a black Muslim are basically enabling the enemy to win because he's going to be sworn in on the Koran.

13) Brown people haters: These people came out of the fucking woodwork this year with all the immigration reform talk -- Lou Dobbs got big by riding their coattails and pimping nativist crap. I'd be more sympathetic if you all were as interested in actually changing the business structure that allows for the situation rather than just trying to blame it all on the big bad other.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

no Sexy Rexy for the ladies of Hawai'i.

One Rex Grossman did not make the Pro Bowl for the NFC at the QB position, and one Chi-town columnist is NOT pleased, especially because Tony Romo's going. I understand the homerdom and I get the argument, but here is what every argument for Grossman forgets in spite of the gaudy numbers on offense: THE MAN HAS FIVE GAMES WITH AT LEAST THREE TURNOVERS HE'S PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR.

Although I'll give dude this -- Marc Bulger shouldn't be on that team. Your team is 7-7 and craps the bed for four straight losses, you shouldn't be going to the Pro Bowl as a QB.

Iverson at altitude.

Yeah, I'm late to the party, and these guys cover all the angles better than any of the rest of us could on the Iverson-to-the-Nuggets trade, so read it if you have time. Here are some assembled thoughts, and hopefully most of them aren't too re-hash:

1) The Nuggets are making the conference semis now, guaranteed, and will take whomever they line up with there to six or seven games. They won't beat Dallas or San Antonio, but they have a shot at knocking off Phoenix, and don't question for a second that everyone at ESPN is trying to line up as many of those games in regular season as possible.

2) I'm still not sure if they play a lot of defense, although this could change a bit. Phoenix doesn't play much D either and gets to the conference finals or semis. (I apologize if this is off; my attention doesn't always get to pro ball until the NFL's regular season is over.)

3) Kevin Garnett is PISSED. I say he asks for a trade next off-season.

4) Iverson is a curiousity as a player and case study for the league, as the epitome of a very dedicated, tough, and dogged player, but in a way that appears malicious as opposed to simply competitive. It's unfair that he gets the rep as the most visible face of the first post-Jordan generation of players; most of the label he gets is because he actually had some success. Stephon Marbury should wish he was Iverson. AI will be interested in re-inventing himself -- the man plays through anything, and I bet he wants to play through the popular (mis) conceptions of his ability.

Of course, all of that could be latent Nuggets fandom shining through -- going to garbage regular season games during the Mutombo era of the Nuggets at McNichols is a formative sports memories, and I never went to the Pepsi Center for a basketball game, oddly enough, although I went for hockey quite a few times.

need a last-minute gift for the lady?

I almost wish I hadn't been drunk last Saturday night so I could watch this on the actual show when it aired.

Most gifts you're likely to buy for your SO have that purpose in mind anyway, so why not cut the crap and save some cash?

Saturday, December 16, 2006

literary douchebaggery.

Couple of quick hits, as I tend not to dive into book-like matters, but these are too good to resist:

1) Judith Regan got the pink slip a couple days ago after the whole O.J. "If I Did It Mess," taking the fall like a good Murdoch soldier, while the man himself and his company somehow manage to avoid acting as if they knew about the plan at all. What really must have done it is that Regan was also planning to publish an "inventive memoir" about Mickey Mantle. The woman invents new ways to say "evidence of libel." If you Google image her, she's not unattractive -- so why the hell did she stoop to fucking corrupt NYPD Commish and derailed Homeland Security Security nominee Bernie Kerik?

Ladies, please have standards. Not in the sense of being a prude or keeping it locked up until marriage or something like that, but cripes.

2) Apparently Michael Crichton didn't like a profile a New Republic writer did on him and his last book (which basically espouses his "global warming is a HOAX!" theories). So, it looks like he put said writer in his newest book as an incidental character, but a doozy: a child rapist with a small dick. Problem is, the TNR writer happened to notice.

Michael, buddy, I know your novels have sucked since the mid-90s (and arguably before that; when I re-read Rising Sun or Jurassic Park, for example, I can only chalk up my enthusiasm for his books to teenager-dom), but if you're going to get a dig at a political writer and Yale alum named Michael Crowley, it would do wonders for the writing (and probably your wallet) if you didn't name him "Mick Crowley" and changed a few other details. There are other Ivy League schools, and not all political writers are based in D.C. Call him "Mark Crawford," say he went to Dartmouth or Columbia, and lives in Manhattan. Perfect!

Then again, Crichton is in a league with Grisham and Tom Clancy -- I don't think editors are even assigned to their books; I think they get faxed or e-mailed straight to the printing plant.

Monday, December 11, 2006

in a bad year for tha U....


....Bears cornerback and return specialist Devin Hester is providing the bright spot, returning yet another two kickoffs for scores and getting himself an NFL record as Chicago absolutely dominates the Rams.

Scott Linehan is in the early running for suck-ass coach of the year. Where do you get off attempting to play the Bears and not drill "DO NOT KICK THE BALL ANYWHERE NEAR DEVIN HESTER" through your special teams' heads?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

everyone knows "those fans."

You may have noticed those awful Fathead things the NFL tries to sell to die-hards to put on their walls. I commented on another site that Fathead owners are symptomatic of "those fans" -- specifically, the die hard that has few interests in things non-NFL related; you may have run into this person at your local sports bar, at the stadium, or accidentally invited him/her over to watch the game.

(No, I am not commenting on the Donkey secondary getting destroyed by the Apostle Philip and being the team that Fantasy Jesus got his touchdown record on. It hurts.)

"That fan" does several things that are a clear warning to stay away (outside of buying Fatheads):
1) Owns non-clothing related items purchased from the NFL Shop
2) Goes to freezing-weather games in less than optimal clothing (like these two douchebags above; the Broncos fan I never want to hang with is that old loser who goes to every game in a fucking barrel)
3) Yells in celebration for his/her team getting a first down, every time.
4) Face painters.
5) Owns the customized jersey with their last name on it (have some inventiveness; do like the Atlanta fan who got a Vick jersey that said "Herpes" on the nameplate.)
6) Taunts everyone else in the bar when their team scores.

These fans also inflict the stupid upon the next generation, as so clearly displayed by this Raider fan:

Won't someone please think of the children?

Friday, December 08, 2006

if you had AI in your superstar trade demand pool... win, as the Answer beat Kevin Garnett to the punch in the saga of whom would demand to be shipped out by their respective team first. Said rumors were confirmed by the Sixers owner in a sideline interview regarding why Iverson wasn't at the game tonight.

Ironically, Jim Gray said on the sidelines that AI wants to head to Minnesota -- can you imagine AI and KG? Yes, yes I can, and only because Sixers GM Billy King is dumb enough to accept very little in return to pull it off. Seriously, the only reason Billy King has a job and is not ridiculed all across the NBA on a daily basis is because Isiah Thomas is still gainfully employed.

After the interview with the Sixers owner, Mike Green and Hubie Brown did nothing save talk about AI's trade demand the whole game -- not like they had a choice; Gilbert Arenas made a mockery of the Sixers and the Wizards won 113-96, despite wearing some absolutely hideous uniforms.

I actually feel some sympathy for the Philly sports fan right now -- franchise QB is out with an ACL tear while he was having an absolutely dominant season with no help; the Phillies had to be in a division with the absolutely destructive Mets, who will be winning it for the next few years; the Flyers stink so much they fired their Stanley Cup-winning coach after eight games. Now this. Maybe the stereotype of Philadelphia sports fans being surly and nasty exists for a reason.

Oh, and enjoy the classic AI presser on practice, which, of course, is wedged snugly between Jim Mora's "PLAYOFFS?!?" rant and Denny Green's meltdown earlier this season as the Holy Trinity of press conference rants.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

official lubrication!

The Secret Service apparently sells a line of 1600 For Men grooming products. (Cribbed from Digby; I wish I'd seen the actual report on CNN.) Now, one blog has made cracks about the hand cleaner and soap, but I find another product more fascinating for its likely use of relief after a hard day of partisan rancor and making decisions that affect everyone besides those who govern us:

"Power Lotion." That alone means it's gotta be good for the all-important necessary friction.

go on, take the money and run.

Yes, Cubs fans, your insane GM gave this guy $10 million a year.

The most entertaining part of baseball for me is the comical way in which general managers will absolutely destroy money in the off-season despite analysis by every sports journalist under the sun that the free-agent class leaves much to be desired.

I mean, if the Yankees' big move is trading Gary Sheffield to the Tigers for minor league prospects, you have to assume the free agents on the markets are stinkers, with the exceptions of Barry Zito, who's in limbo while his agent holds the Red Sox hostage over the Great Japanese Hype, and Jason Schmidt, who just inked with the Dodgers (if you need any more proof that the NL West earns its nickname of "Worst", I have watched several ESPN analysts claim that this will swing the division to the Dodgers.)

Wait, excuse me for thinking the Yankees were acting sane -- they're talking to Andy Pettitte about coming back.

Here's a brief bit on the Cubs' profligate off-season by noting they signed middling hack lefty Ted Lilly to a $10M a year deal -- after they landed Alfonso Soriano for $17M/ann for eight years and resigning third baseman Aramis Ramirez for what amounts to $15M a year. Lilly will be a better pitcher in the NL -- most AL transplants lately have been, but how much better remains to be seen.

The WWL ran down the winter meetings, with a general idea of what's happened so far in the "stupid decisions" market. By far, the dumbest move has been on the Angels signing Gary Matthews, Jr. for $10 million a year for five when the guy hits .263 for a career. One good year gets you $10 million for the next five, and you displace a perfectly good CF and leadoff hitter like Chone Figgins to third base, where you need a power bat.

You know shit is nuts if the fucking Royals are inking pitchers for stupid amounts of cash.

Friday, December 01, 2006

"why you think the Net was born?"

The answer is fairly obvious, and now it's been put to song.

I've never heard of World of Warcraft prior to this parody, but a co-worker tipped me off to this.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Brass Balls Program.

John Mayer busts out some hot licks in this ad, and he's a talented guitar player. So, why do his records suck? We here at S2N are frustrated, recovering musicians, and we'd love to see nothing more than this Hendrix-and-SRV-acolyte hit it big with good songs. The problem is, he's either incapable of writing them (he is a lousy lyricist; "Your Body is a Wonderland," anyone?) or so eager to put a pop gloss on his recordings that he's dumbing it down.

John, we care. We've seen you bust it out on stage with Buddy Guy and on Austin City Limits, and we thought that trio album you did with Pino Palladino and Steve Jordan wasn't half bad; in fact, we think there's something there to be aiming for. You were also self-aware enough to be a good straight man for Dave Chappelle, which means there is hope for you.

Thus, we've decided to offer our help in the form of our Brass Balls Program, inspired by rockers young and old.

1) Never be seen in public without a bottle of Jack or Jameson. You look like you missed out on the keggers while going to Berklee.
2) Two words: Marlboro Reds. We expect you to be at a pack a day in three months. Get some rasp in your voice. While you're at the smoking bit, find and meet your local weed dealer.
3) A more indiscriminate attitude to grooming would help. The longer hair's a step in the right direction. We sense you're the type of dude whose attempts at facial hair only allow for Adam Morrison-style fuzz-staches, but if you can get some good stubble going, it wouldn't be a bad idea.
4) More leather, tighter jeans. More black. Just don't head down the "leather pants" road. We're begging you.
5) Two more words: weight room.
6) Rumor has it you're hitting up Jessica Simpson again. That's kind of lame, but she's blonde and dumb, and we'd probably hit it. However, she also might be fooling around with the QB for the Dallas Cowboys. We say dump the woman already, but if you win the battle, do us a favor: don't let her sing on your records.

Follow our steps and you'll be ripping it up and raising hell with the best of 'em.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Booty penetrates the Irish defense.

What's funny is that SC beat the Golden Domers despite the fact that the talent level playing in Coliseum is less than the three Heisman candidates packing the Trojan skill positions last year. The Porn-Star in Training threw four TDs, three of them to bound-for-the-1st-round-of-the-draft Dwayne Jarrett, and the Trojan linebackers and secondary made mincemeat of any hopes Brady Quinn had of lifting the Hesiman Trophy from Troy Smith. Quinn goes 0-4 against SC for his career, and he's likely headed for more miserable experiences in California, because the Raiders are looking for a quarterback.

Also, a superfluous link to the page of the SC cheerleader squad, angels in tight sweaters, making me kick myself for attending a Div. III school and then deciding not to take SC up on that grad school thing.

Florida continues to win like they want to lose, and I think they will lose to Arkansas next week -- most of the SEC lately plays like "Which team wants to lose more?"

Friday, November 24, 2006

that joke isn't funny anymore.

Via Variety, we see the latest idea being floated to Fox after the O.J. mess is a show being hyped as a conservative Daily Show, and no matter what your politics, if it's being written about and hyped as such, mission control probably ought to call off the launch.

The reason the majority of comedy gets portrayed as "liberal" is because most of your comedians don't set a lot of arbitrary limits -- if it's funny, it's funny, no matter what the political sensibilities or implications of the target -- especially when it comes to sex, drugs, and other associated vices. Implying that there needs to be "balance" in satire in your show misses the point entirely. The creators of the show likely share a mindset with the folks that hired Stephen Colbert to perform at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, not knowing he would take the opportunity to mercilessly rake them over the coals.

They'll do fine with their built-in audience on FNC, but the creators might want to ask all those Christian rock bands how that "crossover" audience thing went....

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Book of LaDainian.

After a second straight week with four touchdowns, this time against an opponent alleged to have one of the best defenses in the league, archaeologists have released their latest discovery, found in the dry lands that comprise most of West Texas -- ancient parchment, on which is written the tales and prophecy of the one that citizens of San Diego and game participants across the land refer to in hushed, reserved tones as "Fantasy Jesus."

Some choice excerpts from the discovery are below:

1:17 - "The rumors heard during His collegiate years spread far and wide during His first years in the League: woe be unto the safety who dares cross the path of the Lord, for he shall be halted in his path with the simple raising of His arm."
4:58 - "Though He was short of stature, he struck fear into the hearts of men who would dare oppose him, causing them horrific dreams, with eyes they could not see behind His shades."
8:22 - "After making his way to the water when the Giants of York decided to tie their fates to Elijah, whom they falsely believed to be the Second Coming, the Apostle Philip waited in line for two years behind the unexpected rise of Andrew the Baptist. Philip took the repeated slights and waited with patience, for he witnessed the miracles, and knew that He can raise the levels of untested quarterbacks; He would assist Philip in his journey to lead his men when the time came."
13:15 - "Even His friends and mentors tried to restrain the pure Force and Light emanating from within; Martin, the Wise Man, would not involve the Lord in certain plays; would tell Him to conserve. But He could not be contained, and Martin realized His Light and Spirit must be set free -- this would be the only chance to challenge Elijah's brother Peytonian and his Horsemen."

we now return you to your regularly scheduled outrage.

Fox and News Corp. have called off O.J.'s book and TV special, with head honcho Rupert Murdoch agreeing with the American public that the project was "ill-considered."

I will steal and expand upon a Bill Simmons idea: the VP of Common Sense. Simmons proposed that pro sports teams hire one; I say this should be expanded to media conglomerates, to prevent obvious dust-ups and bad ideas like this was. It would prevent stupidity like this and blatant attempts at attention-whoring to gin up the publicity works...oh, wait....never mind.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

goodbye, fantasy season.

Watching your team's hopes for a playoff run probably go up in smoke with an ACL injury to your QB hurts more for the real Philadelphia Eagles, but it was a very sick realization as to how much I actually put into the fantasy team this time this year -- it really was the first season I'd had enough time to give a crap and be invested in it. And then McNabb tore his ACL in a loss to the Titans after winning several weeks for me (and the Eagles) single-handedly.

What makes it worse is that the Babydaddy in Arizona is my back-up QB (although he did have two touchdowns today, it was against the Lions, and next week's game is against Minnesota), and I've already been burned by Edgerrin James' play for the Cardinals.

My opponent has Plummer tonight while I've got Gates and Kaeding. I'm actually kind of rooting against the Broncos for this -- and it's wrong in so many ways.

Update, 11/20: -- The cosmic fantasy football fucking-over is complete, as the worst possible outcome of my real-life team's QB shitting the bed came to pass, while he didn't do it enough to give me the win. Jake, you are dead to me now.

and the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools trying to anesthetize the way that you feel.

Earlier this week, Clear Channel announced their sale to a private investment group, which isn't notable in and of itself -- what's really interesting about the whole sale is how about 450 radio stations and ALL of their TV stations (via the division that owns them) will be spun off and sold. (Clear Channel's TV arm owns a couple of my employer's competitors; all we know about their ownership from our friends at said stations is that it makes for better initial salary numbers, supposedly.)

The consolidation effect from years of public ownership and swallowing up of radio stations has already passed in the sense that hoping to reverse it is a pipe dream. Privatizing the largest top-down conglomerate in radio and most aspects of musically related entertainment isn't going to have a discernible effect on what we see and hear in terms of entertainment -- the damage has already been done, and since it makes money, it's not likely to change. The effect of the BusinessWeek article is really to chronicle (almost by accident) just how all-encompassing the company has been, especially post-Telecommunications Act, when ownership rules were relaxed significantly. The company owned a major part of the airwaves, the promotional end of the musicians they aired, and a magazine that covered their industry.

They're going to sell the concert promotion, TV stations, and it seems, anything that isn't straight radio -- but the sentiment of the Elvis Costello lyric in the title will still hold.

the new publishing gold mine.

By now, everyone has heard of and been shocked by O.J. Simpson's book and impending T.V. interview where he hints and hints, ever so slightly, that he actually committed the murders of his ex-wife and her friend that he was acquitted of, and apparently is making a nice chunk of change off of it.

It just so happened that the old LJ friends page showed me the way, courtesy of a friend in L.A.: this is simply the new trend in publishing circles, and given the recent scandalous behavior of many public figures, this is money, people.

I make a point of not watching Fox programming if it isn't sports-related or Family Guy, so skipping O.J. isn't an issue. But, I can't wait for the specials and books for these two below:

1) Okay, So Maybe I Snorted an Eight-Ball and Had Relations with the Male Hooker, by Pastor Ted Haggard.
2) If I Wanted to Fondle Pages, Here's How it Would've Gone Down, by Rep. Mark Foley.

tell us your name and what it is you do.

Political columnist Michael Kinsley basically defined a political gaffe as an accidental statement that revealed the truth. Now, in a column about not being too sorry to see the Republicans lose control of Congress,'s Dick Meyer gives us the epitome of a gaffe:

"Really, it's just a simple thesis: The men who ran the Republican Party in the House of Representatives for the past 12 years were a group of weirdos. Together, they comprised one of the oddest legislative power cliques in our history. And for 12 years, the media didn't call a duck a duck, because that's not something we're supposed to do."

There are several ways to address the highlighted portion:
1) Could be sarcastic. Problem is, if you read the rest of the piece, it's hard to tell if he's joking.
2) At least Mr. Meyer got it out in the open and confirmed every suspicion most Democrats have had since 2000.
3) On top of #2, this is the "mea culpa" issued before going after a new Congress, which has switched hands, viciously, for anything and everything.

None of those are good, and larger names at national news bureaus would never have been clumsy enough to write that sentence. So, Mr. Meyer, just what is it that you all do over there? Those of us at the lower levels of your business would like to know.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Saturday in the end zone.

A good four-hour, slug-em-out contest between Michigan and Ohio State lived up to the billing, and ended in a 42-39 OSU win, despite the repeated attempts by ABC and ESPN to turn it into an "instant classic," well-aided by Brent Musberger's fluency in cliche and Bob Davie's repeated examples of why not one Div. I-A school has offered him a head coaching job since being forced out by the Golden Domers. Troy Smith locked up the Heisman despite an INT and two bad snaps.

The aforementioned Fighting Irish Republican Army completed its devastating guerrilla campaign against our nation's proud service academies by exploding into the Green Zone repeatedly after an opening field goal by the cadets. The Army hoped to make inroads with the infantry on the hostile soil held by the Papist insurgents, but sadly, you go to war with the army you have, not the one you want. By the fourth quarter, the game analysts were questioning for a pull-out of the first line, while General-Coach Bobby Ross decided to stay the course. Sheik Weis, hoping to win the big prize offered by the BCS Caliphate against OSU in the Arizona desert, ran up the score.

Despite ESPN's assertions that the Maryland-BC game was over by the end of the first half, it is your humble host's opinion that it was over when Maryland's offense had the ball three times before BC's offense even snapped the ball once in the first quarter -- two fumble recoveries for TDs early on made it a 14-0 lead, and they took it 38-16.

Cal at SC is about to start, and rumor has it Erin Andrews is on the sideline tonight (yes, yes she is.). I want to throttle the analysts who are talking about a Michigan-OSU rematch in the championship game.

Friday, November 17, 2006

slow news day, huh?

You know the TomKat wedding circus has become way too big and way too much when major news networks are showing MULTIPLE satellite shots of the castle where the whole shebang is supposed to be held tomorrow.

I shed the shame of being ashamed of my line of work long ago, but even I get a bit of a shock once in a while. It's not like life and death matters are going on in other places or anything.

necrophilia in under five minutes.

Rest in peace, Bo Schembechler -- ESPN certainly won't let you. I know it's standard procedure in TV news/sports to have obits on a backlog, but, wow, overkill doesn't even begin to describe it.

"The sycophantic slags all say, 'I knew him first and I knew him well.'"

If the OSU -loving band Dead Schembechlers are now art uncomfortably imitating life, then I eagerly await the debut of Kill Shanahan.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

there is no humor in this.

There is nothing, I repeat, absolutely nothing funny that can be drawn from going to prison. The filmmakers behind this obvious piece of crap should be drawn and quartered, despite the director being part of the wonderful Mr. Show and the screenwriters both coming from the sublime Reno 911.

The trailer for said flick implies all sorts of personal violations and plays them up for laughs. Anal sex should never be played for laughs. It is a serious act. Even bringing it up in the course of a relationship can sometimes be justification for being thrown out of bed and/or dumped, never mind the imprint on the mind that "he asked" that lasts FOREVER. Also, the implied pleasure it brings many people shouldn't be laughed at. Is it any wonder most movies and TV shows involving prison are dramas?

Anal sex isn't funny, people. The line of funny is between consent and assault, which means that porn is implicitly hilarious. It's like Lenny Bruce or Bill Hicks.

Hold on....

(Murmurs in background, whispers in editor's ear.)

Oh, you mean anal rape? Fuck, there's tons of funny in that. Especially because it won't happen to me.

(This was actually semi-serious -- why comedic filmmakers make movies about the funny in prison, I'll never know.)

judgement day my ass.

There's a big college football game going on this week. I'm sure you've heard about it if you ventured anywhere near ESPN the past few days. It's so big that people who normally would have no business talking about anything college football-related (like me, but like that stops me anyway) are going on about it.

Frankly, every year one game gets the "game of the century" or some such treatment, and it's a bunch of bullshit, fraudulent hype. I happen to remember a little game in Pasadena last January that caused me a bunch of traffic problems, and, oh yeah, also managed to be a damn fine football contest, with two apparently undefeated teams going down to the wire for the championship. I don't expect Michigan-OSU to be that good, although it is a "must watch" game, always.

I'm actually more interested in jumping on the Rutgers bandwagon; however, knowing that the Michigan-OSU game will be called by Brent Musberger will keep me (and most of the other sickos that also participate in Deadspin's Hugh Johnson Project every Saturday) amused to no end.

Update, Friday, 11/17 -- Bo Schembechler died this morning; it's not really quite so funny any more.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Broncos vs. Raiders.

The benefit of being a Bronco fan in California is that despite being outside of the TV market and forced to watch every game of the Chargers, 49ers, and Raiders, is that you are guaranteed at least a few Bronco games on TV because of the divisions doing home and away with each other every year. At least you're not completely out of the possibility of viewing your team without signing up for DirecTV and NFL Sunday Ticket (although, given the stupidity of Charter in allowing both Fox and CBS to be spotty here at any given time, that satellite still looks very attractive.

There are good odds that Jake the Fake and the Broncos' D will put this game out of reach enough in the first half to make it worth my time to take my Sunday nap early and watch the Sunday night game on NBC (the nap is necessary for the day job), but I look forward to these games nonetheless, despite the commitment to excrement Oakland has displayed all too recently, rendering the rivalry as something less than an actual contest.

How does an L.A. native become a Bronco fan, though? You could probably blame the Raiders for that too. I'm old enough to remember L.A. having two teams, and watching them on TV with my dad every weekend. He was a Rams guy; I attached myself to the Raiders because silver and black looked more vicious and appealing than blue and yellow. If you've never been to Southern California, you'll still see plenty of Raider fans in the Los Angeles County area -- the Rams played in Anaheim; they were the O.C. team. It's the same divide that splits Dodger and Angel fans to this day.

Al Davis moved the team to L.A. the year I was born, and moved them back two years after I left for Denver. I rooted for the Raiders in Bronco territory for two years when they stayed in L.A., but I couldn't do it when he left. Your first franchise cheating on you as a fan is the hardest, and as I spent more time in Denver, I drifted towards their franchises, because Denver is a four-sport supporting city now -- those teams will NEVER move.

And I hate Al Davis for it. He's a smarmy, old fuck who thinks he knows best -- forcing his team to draft shitty quarterbacks and underachieving wide receivers in the hope of a pass-happy offense, when the AFC is all about the running game, especially the West Division -- please see LaDanian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, and the Denver Tailback Factory. Meanwhile, while it kind of hurts to see my native city without an NFL team, L.A. denizens have gotten along fine without it -- Charger games are still on TV and having a team in the Rose Bowl or Coliseum would only increase the traffic headache. Plus, there is USC, run by a former Rams coach.

But still: fuck Al Davis for deserting L.A. He's getting what he deserves.

(Note: please don't take this to excuse Georgia Frontandrear either -- she's just as much on the ownership shit list for taking the Rams to St. L., too -- possibly more so, because she decided then to put money into the team and get a Super Bowl.)

Saturday, November 11, 2006

the seats in the theatre will be sticky.

Rumor has it that Eva Longoria and Beyonce Knowles will be the stars in an American adaptation of the novel Tipping the Velvet, which is about an 1890s lesbian love affair between a male impersonating dance hall star and a fishmonger's daughter (it was also a very good BBC mini-series last year.)

Observe the pictures again, then consider the inevitable: if this movie is made, it will be a must-see in theatres, no matter how crappy it is (and it could be; I don't like Sofia Coppola much as a director, but I'd go watch this). Those exact same aspects could entice you to wait for the DVD, and avoid any uncomfortable messes within the nooks and crannies of theater seats, which are nasty enough anyway without the likely mess of tissues, lotion, and Vaseline that this will attract from various sick fucks.

Hat tip to the News Blog for this one.

(You have no idea how hard it was to write this without cracking an obvious joke about female anatomy.)

The San Francisco 49ers of Santa Clara

Earlier in the week, 49ers owner John York cut off negotiations with San Fran over a new stadium and said he was moving to Santa Clara -- now, he's leaving the door open. This is a tactic that only the NFL is really able to get away with these days; bilking the city and its taxpayers into footing the bill for new stadiums that get saddled with awful names in order to raise more cash via naming rights, although baseball owners are able to do it too (see the Athletics announcing they're leaving Oakland for Fremont.)

Neither of these pending moves are as obnoxious or as insulting to a fan base like, say the Browns transforming into the Ravens upon their move to Baltimore or the Colts ditching the Charm City for Indy, famously, in the middle of the night. As the title indicates, it may be part of a new micro-moving trend where owners who can't get anything out of their metro base head to the sub- and exurbs. The Cowboys play in Irving, Texas, and two of the four Detroit teams play outside the city limits -- and have for years.

York plans to keep the name, which will continue a trend of teams that play outside of a large metro market trying to take advantage of said market, and this is what Angels owner Arte Moreno hath wrought after his little Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim gambit was deemed permissible under his agreement with the city of Anaheim. No one was happy with that outside of Moreno -- Orange County and Anaheim folks weren't thrilled, L.A. people are Dodger people, the fans shrugged it off.

The one nice thing is that York has either decided to stay out of L.A. or he knows the city won't deal with his chicanery, because the Trojans would be a better show than most any pro team trying to come in and use the Coliseum.

money for nothing.

Apparently sitting on your ass, partying, and releasing shitty rap records is enough to warrant $30 million of your sugar mama's fortune, if the Sun is to be believed regarding FedEx's divorce demands from Britney (hat tip to WWTDD for that one).

Normally, I would say just take the money you can get and be happy with it, but his demands for legal fee payment and such along with his custody requests (anyone know if he sees the kids he had before marrying the Redneck Trainwreck?) are comedy gold, and I want six months of celeb coverage of this stuff.

Nice going, FedEx. Keep making Clovis proud.

all hail the BCS.

Without it, we wouldn't have half as much to talk about it when it came to college football.

After two highly entertaining Big East Thursday-nighters (especially that Louisville-Rutgers game), the college football "experts" on ESPN and everywhere else have settled into the CW that even if Rutgers stays undefeated, they have no business in the championship game.

Fine, I get that. Rutgers has a weak schedule, compared to Louisville, and they still have West Virginia on their schedule in two weeks.. But they should be talked about as a contender and allowed to make a case. Like most casual college football fans (didn't go to a D-I school, I root for teams in places I've lived, mostly -- CU being my open secret, this Buffs' season just hurts me) , I'd be the perfect advocate for a playoff system, because this system makes no sense.

However, outside of the obvious money reason, there are two actual reasons to not go to a playoff system in Div. I-A college ball:
1) There's something oddly inspiring and comforting about watching a sport where, as a team, you'd better not lose more than one game if you want a shot at being called the champion. You'd better play strong teams and beat them.
2) Half the fun of college football now is the vehement arguments over seeding positions in the BCS. Even haters like yours truly enjoy the vagueness of the standards required to make a dent when it becomes clear that only one power team is going to make it to the Fiesta Bowl undefeated this year.

Also -- Boise State may make a BCS bowl this year, which seems to give some folks the urge to retch, but it's not like Texas has played anyone better in their conference (at least they schedule Ohio State). The Big 12, collectively, has licked balls since Nebraska's Tom Osbourne decided to take his play-calling skills to Congress (although they are getting better, goddamnit, with a former Raider coach at the helm, of all things). There's always been one power team since, and Texas has filled the void.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Well, everyone's favorite redneck trainwreck finally dumped her wigger hubby.

I can't wait for the divorce proceedings. Is it any coincidence she's started looking semi-hot again?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Paterno goes down.

Joe Pa took a helmet to the knee in the third quarter of the game at Wisconsin from one of his own players covering a kickoff. Sadly, this was the best hit Penn State put on Wisconsin all day in the loss.

The actual incident was followed by at least twenty minutes of reflexive fellating of the old man by the announcers, which at this point in Paterno's career, can be accurately described as necrophilia.

which sport has the best athletes?

The NBA season is underway, and although many of my L.A.-based friends are dedicated NBA junkies (when you have no pro football, this is what happens), I am on record as not giving a shit about super-tall people dribbling and passing until the NFL season is over. However, basketball players have always come in second on my list of "most athletic" when it comes to pro sports. This wholly uneducated opinion knocks football down to three just slightly because of the non-skill positions (while playing the O-line takes strength and some athleticism in blocking, it doesn't quite add.) So, to rank the four major sports, it goes:

1. Hockey
2. Basketball
3. Football
4. Baseball

Laugh all you want, but guys who have to handle a small object with a stick while getting bashed into the boards and skating win the prize to me. Baseball has its own super athletes -- trying to hit a baseball coming at you at 90+ mph is probably the toughest task in sports.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

sweet Lord, no!

What insight could Paris Hilton possibly bring to the Pats-Vikings game on Monday outside of what it's like to fuck NFL players?

Yet another bright stunt from the folks at ESPN. It would have been smarter to do this during the Bears-Cardinals game, as Hilton could have been grilled on who was better by the booth: Leinart or Urlacher?

when has-beens go wrong.

Thank you very much, Go Fug Yourself, you have displayed pictures that have acoomplished the impossible -- after viewing this mess, my dick has now retreated into my sac and is whimpering in pain.

accidental entertainment.

Through no fault of my own, I usually find myself awake to catch College Gameday on ESPN, and no matter my state, whether hung over or super sober, it's become hilarious, because the students in the background keep upping the ante on the sick factor on the signs in the background for a show done live from a game site. Most of them make fun of Lee Corso, which is really like blowing the barrel of fish up with dynamite.

Seen on today's Gameday in town for the Tennessee vs. South Carolina game:

1. "Corso is Game 4 Cocks"
2. "I used to date a girl from Tennessee, but she left me for her brother."

You get the idea. Deadspin obtained a picture of one particularly filthy sign from today's show, and if you're better off not knowing what a merkin is, don't click on the link.

excuse me, what?

The St. Louis Cardinals actually whooped up on the Detroit Tigers and took the World Series last night, dashing a legion of sportswriters and yours truly who had previously written missives about the lousy quality of the National League this year and that the NLCS was just to see who would lose to the American League.

I should know better. I don't get paid to make stupid observations like that. However, the St. Louis Cardinals of Anaheim (MVP David Eckstein, Jim Edmonds, Jeff Weaver, and Scott Spiezio are all former Angels) made everybody look stupid, and thus, Eck gets to chug Cuervo like a champion and wonder in the morning where the porcelain throne is. This picture looks painful, just because I've chugged that bottle and I know where that's ending

Sunday, October 22, 2006

either get a hold of your life or get a decent make-up person.

We can go ahead and insert the old joke about D.C. being Hollywood for ugly people, but if you are the head of the national committee of a political party, then it behooves you not to show up on national TV looking like you've just come in from a long night of blow and escorts.

Obviously, Ken Mehlman did not get the memo for his appearance on the Today show.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

if you ain't no punk, holla "WE WANT PRE-NUP!"

And that is lesson #1 of being a rich bastard or bitch, one that a former Beatle forgot, and the knives are out!

The allegations are over the top and unsubstantiated (so far), but they're so outlandish, it doesn't matter. Frankly, I thought being a constant and well-known pothead was supposed to keep you mellow.

The winner in the long line of accusations Heather Mills has made against Paul McCartney has to be this one: "Mills McCartney states that Sir Paul demanded she not breast feed their daughter, telling her, 'They are my breasts.'"

Hey, it's Man Law #4: You poke it, you own it.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the jokes are starting to write themselves.

An over-the-hill and forgotten Spice Girl is apparently having Eddie Murphy's kid, or possibly kids.

Just imagine the new family version of "Whazzupwitu." Or, rather, don't.

If verified, this gives Eddie Murphy the All-Time Babydaddy title back from the Clovis wigger otherwise known as Mr. Britney Spears. I didn't know he already had six kids -- now it explains why he makes all those crappy kiddie movies. The kids demand entertainment with Daddy in it.

well, hello, Ms. Arquette; and whom are your friends there?

If you ever need a reminder that money doesn't necessarily equal taste, then you should be reading Go Fug Yourself on a regular basis.

In regards to Patricia Arquette wearing this monstrosity, all I can say is that I never noticed she had tits. I couldn't get past her plain-Jane face plus bad bowl-cut on top.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

not quite Jim Mora's "PLAYOFFS!" bit, but still... of the most epic press conference breakdowns in sports, period.

I was watching with my buddy Owen next door over pizza, and we kept waiting for the Cardinals to fuck it up, even after Devin Hester's punt return for the TD (more fantasy points!), because Leinart was slingin' it so well that the only way Arizona could lose was if the ball wasn't in his hands.

Green then called rush plays on second and third down on that final drive, as if he was just dying to play for a field goal rather than go for end zone with 45 seconds left and a couple timeouts. The Edge, predictably, gained no yards on those two carries, and you know what happened after that.

Denny Green coaches mediocre teams for a living. He never got the Vikings out of the first round, and despite the Cardinals being the most hapless franchise in sports, they're not going to get better until they hire a coach who actually knows what he's doing.

Any Green-coached player should not be a "no-cut" in fantasy football, but Yahoo leagues list Edge as a no-cut. I couldn't get jack shit for him in a trade if my life depended on it. Thank you very fucking much, Denny.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

just another day at the U.

The best part really isn't the brawl itself so much as the color commentator, who has to be a Miami alum, spouting off shit about "you come into the OB, you're gonna get your ass beat."

Most Florida International players wanted to go to the U., but they're not quick enough to make that one last move or cutback: the real fast one that gets you from assault to probation overnight.

Miami should be ashamed of itself (not necessarily for the brawl, though, although the sanctimonious fucks on ESPN would have you think otherwise). Usually, bad behavior isn't the highlight of a season, but given the U.'s sorry record, this is all they've got this year with 2 losses already in the books, and the cheering by the fans proves it. If anything was shocking about the brawl, it was the U.'s fans showing they're just as classy as the football program by goading this mess on.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

the new celebrity must-have.

Third-World Babies!

Marketing copy: "It's the new fashion accessory, straight from Africa and Asia? Pick up the new style that both Madonna and Angelina Jolie are rocking for this fall! Domestic adoptions are out for 2006; we're all looking for some international flavor in our lives and to raise in our own image."

college football, you disappoint me today.

Oklahoma destroying Iowa State, ESPN in bonus coverage because Wisconsin is making Minnesota look awful, and the announcing team of Pam Ward and Mike Gottfried is calling Iowa-Indiana. The afternoon baseball can't come fast enough.

The ALCS is looking like a blowout and the NLCS is an actual series now, with the Cards and Mets trying to see whose starting pitching can suck less so that one of them can be destroyed by the Tigers in the World Series.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

going ESPN-free today.

And it's all Cory Lidle's goddamned fault for having to crash his plane into an NYC high-rise, giving us nothing resembling highlights on ESPN and everything for tributes to a journeyman pitcher.

The confluence of a non-NFL day combined with NBA preseason and a rainout on the first game of the NLCS (let's go Mets!) was going to make for a shitty SportsCenter, so they decided to go for a shittier one when they found out Lidle was in the plane. Even worse, he had to do it in New York and kill other people, meaning it crossed over into the day job for yours truly.

The best take (and a Deadspin-approved one, is here at at the Dugout.

(Tangent: How did Jeff Weaver become a pitcher in StL who could shut out hitters for five innings? Expect an NL-AL pitching post soon.)

Monday, October 09, 2006

Jake Plummer shaved off his mojo.

As I prepare to watch the Ravens take on the Broncos, I face the usual hair-tearing agony of watching most Broncos games because of one man: Jake Plummer. And I like Jake Plummer, except when he gets a little too-pass happy and starts looking like the biggest bakery in town with a sale on turnovers.

The man's a fantasy football disaster waiting to happen every week -- you play him at your own peril -- but the drafting of Jay Cutler seems to have driven Bronco fans to the breaking point, even at 2-1, we're crying for Shanahan to pull Jake the Fake sooner than later.

I've explained it to my dad, and he thinks I'm nuts -- but I agree completely with the folks who wrote this here petition, because Jake was AWESOME last year when he was rocking the Ron Jeremy 'stache in the regular season, but almost lost the div playoff to the Pats and totally sucked it up against Pitt in the AFC championship with the beard. Now, this season, he went and did something silly and shaved the whole fucker off. Why? Now he just looks bland. Denver is used to weird-looking QBs -- I mean, we had a legendary one whom even the local sports cartoonist drew as a total horseface. Embrace your oddity, Jake!

Jake, for all Bronco fans in and out of Denver, please bring back the 'stache, and while you're at it, start rockin' the Blue Blockers again. Our playoff hopes are riding on it, and frankly, I bet your job might be too.

Edit: Plummer introduced the lineup on MNF, and he's rocking a mustache and beard -- not the pornstache, but not terrible.

Tangent #1: I HATE Mike Tirico on Monday Night Football. He's prone to saying dumb shit, evidence: he's already said about the MNF theme: "How can you not turn the volume up when that song comes on?"
Tangent #2: The Broncos are already responsible for unleashing the scourge of Arena League-looking unis on both college and the pros, but tonight's full navy-blue ensemble is FUGLY.

used bin specials #1.

Eight bucks for thirty-something minutes of fuzzed-out goodness with boy-girl vocals from the U.K. that's simple, stupid, and sounds really good cranked up in my car stereo. I like the Subways.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

sign of maturity #1.

There are musical acts that appear on the covers of national magazines you subscribe to that you have never heard of before and, after reading said article, don't care to ever download a tune from. All I need to know about Panic! at the Disco are two things:

1. misplaced punctuation in band name: emo :: mispellings in band name : nu-metal
2. the bassist from Fall Out Boy signed them to his vanity label.

I happen to be a sucker for a couple of Fall Out Boy songs (shoot me now), but that doesn't imply that the band members have good taste in music.

The Hold Steady article in the same mag is worth reading, though -- now there's a bar band in the best sense of the word, and I wish I could see them again when they roll through L.A., but now that's a three hour trip for a concert.

let the A-Rod trade rumors begin!

It's 4-zip Yankees in the 4th, as Torre's pulled the pitcher, and the announcers are already slurping Rodriguez even though he's 1 for 12 in the series and has already made a throwing error. Meanwhile, the Bronx as a whole is screaming for him to be ditched like the whiny little brat he is.

Yes, the man gets a raw deal on an everyday basis from Yankee fans, but what did he think he was getting into when he accepted a trade there?

As an aside, my dad is calling every 15 minutes, and loving every minute of watching them go down in flames, expressing the oft-common sentiment among the Yankee-hatin' faithful, "I want to see Steinbrenner blow his top and suffer again."

Update: Yanks lose 8-3. Congrats, Detroit. Bonfires and looting are soon to commence near 8 Mile Road -- maybe someone will get smart and throw Matt Millen into the blaze while they're at it.

college? learning? fuck that.

Every weekend during the college football season, I keep wondering why I went to an undergraduate institution where I actually did some book learnin', because every time I see stuff like this (yeah, you don't want to look at this at work) popping up as a recruiting video for athletes, never mind the co-eds commonly seen at SEC and USC games every Saturday, I start kicking myself repeatedly for not finishing the grad school applications at big name schools.

Does anyone know if THE Ohio State University has a graduate journalism program of note?

welcome, etc.

I am a recovering musician, a pro and college sports semi-obsessive, and my day job is in television news, which leaves me with plenty of opinions about the pretty idiots we rely on for entertainment on both small and large screens and the compulsive liars we elect to hold public office.

Favor will be expressed towards any team out of Denver (save those lame-ass Rockies), anything Southern Cal or UCLA, the New York Mets, indie and classic rock, old-school honky tonk, alt-country, punk, jazz icons, and especially Scarlett Johansson. Attempts at humor will be made; many will fail -- but that's part of the challenge.