The Brass Balls Program.

John Mayer busts out some hot licks in this ad, and he's a talented guitar player. So, why do his records suck? We here at S2N are frustrated, recovering musicians, and we'd love to see nothing more than this Hendrix-and-SRV-acolyte hit it big with good songs. The problem is, he's either incapable of writing them (he is a lousy lyricist; "Your Body is a Wonderland," anyone?) or so eager to put a pop gloss on his recordings that he's dumbing it down.

John, we care. We've seen you bust it out on stage with Buddy Guy and on Austin City Limits, and we thought that trio album you did with Pino Palladino and Steve Jordan wasn't half bad; in fact, we think there's something there to be aiming for. You were also self-aware enough to be a good straight man for Dave Chappelle, which means there is hope for you.

Thus, we've decided to offer our help in the form of our Brass Balls Program, inspired by rockers young and old.

1) Never be seen in public without a bottle of Jack or Jameson. You look like you missed out on the keggers while going to Berklee.
2) Two words: Marlboro Reds. We expect you to be at a pack a day in three months. Get some rasp in your voice. While you're at the smoking bit, find and meet your local weed dealer.
3) A more indiscriminate attitude to grooming would help. The longer hair's a step in the right direction. We sense you're the type of dude whose attempts at facial hair only allow for Adam Morrison-style fuzz-staches, but if you can get some good stubble going, it wouldn't be a bad idea.
4) More leather, tighter jeans. More black. Just don't head down the "leather pants" road. We're begging you.
5) Two more words: weight room.
6) Rumor has it you're hitting up Jessica Simpson again. That's kind of lame, but she's blonde and dumb, and we'd probably hit it. However, she also might be fooling around with the QB for the Dallas Cowboys. We say dump the woman already, but if you win the battle, do us a favor: don't let her sing on your records.

Follow our steps and you'll be ripping it up and raising hell with the best of 'em.