the pornstache walks away.

Jake Plummer is calling it quits rather than get traded to Tampa Bay -- apparently, he's not interested in being traded some place where he isn't automatically the starter. Great sentiment in terms of looking out for yourself, Jake, but have you looked at your stats the last few years? You are the last person who should be handed a starting job fresh out of the gate and without question.

What makes it worse is that he's giving up already and the guy he'd be going up against for Tampa's starting job is recovering from losing his goddamned spleen. Shave off the mustache and the beard or whatever you've got these days, Plummer, your wussing out means you don't deserve to wear that facial hair.

consider yourselves on notice.

This should probably be the attitude of the NFL and the NFLPA, as Jesse Jackson has got himself involved in the issue between retired players and the NFL over disability benefits, as the issue continues to gain a good head of steam with Mercury Morris' recent profile in the Washington Post, former Patriot Ted Johnson's accusations blaming Coach Hobo for his mental health issues, and Mike Ditka blasting the league in Super Bowl coverage on the matter.

If the Rev gets in deep, expect plenty of examples of his School of Meaningless but Rhymed Oratory in the discussion, but also, expect the NFL and the Players' Union to make some serious changes if this is the case. Regardless of what you think of Jackson (the truth lies somewhere in the massive murk between civil rights leader and shameless huckster), but he got U.S. hostages back from Yugoslavia in the 90s -- and it's hard to say no to someone who did that, never mind his organizing power and soapbox. (Although, as the Right Reverend Chris Rock once cracked about Jesse's hostage saving trip, "I bet Jesse said, 'You really want to piss off those fuckers? Give the hostages TO ME!")

the vanity retirement.

Ordinarily I wouldn't two shits about the retirement of an obnoxious ass of a relief pitching specialist like Jeff Nelson (in a position that includes John Rocker among its current or former members, "obnoxious ass" and "relief pitcher" in the same sentence appears redundant), but this little tidbit on his retirement announcement is what got me: he signed a minor league contract with the Yankees in order to retire.

This needs to be nipped in the bud. Re-signing with your old team where your greatness was made seems to have started (or at least grown in the sports public consciousness) with Jerry Rice, who signed with the Niners for a day before retiring after stints with the Raiders, Seahawks, and Broncos, and the last two were, at best, ill-advised. But we can excuse Rice because he was and is a legend -- it's a good PR move, even though no one will really ever see him as anything else than a 49er. Nelson seems not to know his station, despite having won several rings with the Yankees -- only legends get to participate in the vanity retirement and one-day contract. Roger Clemens could do this and it would be permissible. Mr. Nelson, you, despite your nasty slider and championship rings, are no Roger Clemens.