Yankee Family Matters.

George Steinbrenner, the leader of the team we all love to hate, will be looking for a new heir apparent to run the Yankees when he shuffles off this mortal coil. Back in 2005, he said son-in-law and partial owner Steve Swindal (married to daughter Jennifer) would probably take over, but that's off the books, because Steve and Jennifer are on the bus to Splitsville after 23 years.

Those irreconcilable differences may have something to do with Swindal's recent DUI arrest in St. Petersburg, Florida, last month. And despite probably not running the Yankees, he'll probably come out okay from the whole thing. It's just hard to imagine the Yanks without George -- he's such a convenient and good target for all the hate, with his obnoxious, arrogant self. Any public face of the front office for the Yankees after him won't quite measure up to the high expectations.

marriage, pro sports-style.

Given the recent news of Amani Toomer's impending nasty divorce following on the heels of teammate Michael Strahan getting taken to the cleaners and Nets guard Jason Kidd likely suffering the same fate, I feel a need to offer unqualified and out of my league advice to all athletes preparing for marriage, despite terminal single-hood and lack of a legal background.

1) Know what you're looking for.

Mr. Toomer is making his particular claim because he feels he was lied to; his wife allegedly aborted his children, wouldn't change her name, etc. Again, the couple were married in Vegas. I doubt there was that much consideration. As the Head Chick notes, you can get a wife or you can get a chickenhead. Know what you have.

2) Make sure you know the difference between devotion and worship.

Pro athletes, by nature, seem to have a need to feed the ego -- they've had most things given to them on a platter due to freakish athletic talent, and sex is one of them. Before you go through with this, if you want her to wait on you hand and foot, make that clear. No need to give up half because you didn't define the terms in advance? Unromantic? Yes. But we're here to protect YOU. We advise devotion -- less likely to ditch you after the first few years and cry for half. Something about that, isn't it?

Today's worshipful groupie is tomorrow's gold-digger.

3) Come to terms with various indiscretions.

You're gonna have groupies throwing themselves at you left and right. Either work into an agreement a number of indiscretions per year, or keep a side account that can be agreed on for a faux "Honey, I'm sorry" gift -- Kobe Bryant keeps a spare couple mil on hand just in case, and it worked for him. Mr. Kidd, however, apparently played cheapskate with the apology jewelry. The sincerity of your apology as a star athlete is measured by how much you spend.

Or, do it the Andrei Kirilenko way -- remember, his wife gives him one indiscretion per year, but we suspect it only lasts as long as he keeps playing well, and he's never used it yet (Would you? This isn't the best picture, but I wouldn't.)

4) Get the Massey Pre-Nup.

Or its real-world equivalent. You want something so iron-clad a whole semester could be taught on it at Harvard Law. Of course, unlike Mr. Strahan, you want to make sure that Massey is written in your favor.

If you really want to be thorough, spell out every possible expectation: sex, kids, housework -- anything you can think of. Weeds out the unqualified applicants. Again, unromantic, but best for your interests, and it keeps you from having to come back to see us in five years for less pleasant experiences.

(Side note: Intolerable Cruelty is really one of those movies that is gang-busters, laugh out loud funny for the first half-hour and then falls completely off the rails.)

interesting grounds for a split.

Giants WR Amani Toomer looks like he's going to get laid out in divorce court, if the New York Post is any indication. He's suing to annul his marriage because, he claims, his wife backslid on the agreement to have his children and a big family. She, naturally, wants the Eddie Murphy special ("I WANT HALF, EDDIE!")

Toomer, 32, alleges his wife refused to have the "big family" they had discussed before getting hitched in a Las Vegas civil ceremony in October 2002.

"This false promise was never delivered," he charges in documents filed in court.

Instead, Dabrowski "had up to four" abortions "against Toomer's wishes [and] without his consent," the Giant claims.

Now, if true, there's usually a reason for up to four abortions; women don't even go for one all willy-nilly and stuff. And boy, do we get it:

In her filings for divorce, [wife Yola Dabrowski] alleges "extreme cruelty," accusing Toomer of being "relentlessly demanding . . . insecure and paranoid."

The grid great insisted Dabrowski "cater to his every whim and need," she claims.

And when she didn't want to have sex, Toomer acted "irrationally and outrageously" - once urinating on her clothes, and another time tossing her BlackBerry into the Hudson River.

Think of it this way -- you want to be knocked up and bearing the children of someone allegedly immature enough to pull an R. Kelly on your clothing, never mind getting irrationally pissed off about not taking his last name? If you have half a brain and this happens to you, you'll be running to the clinic, too.

I surmise neither party actually knew what they were getting into before the marriage -- they did get hitched in Vegas.

Heads up: The FanHouse.

yeah, that messy divorce was worth it.

Per ESPN, Giants DE Michael Strahan has to pay his ex-wife the multi-millions she was due in the pre-nup plus the hundreds of thousands in child support owed. So, Michael, you just went through the public wringer of a New York messy divorce, including the accusations of an "alternative lifestyle" by the missus, and you still wind up having to pay the same money written into the paper? Clearly, you hired a hack for a divorce lawyer -- ask for the retainer back; he was about as useful as T.O.'s publicist.

I don't think you helped on the "alternative lifestyle" rumors by pulling the "MORE MEAT!" with Jared on those Subway ads, either. Rule #1 for all athletes in divorce cases, especially if you've got a pre-nup: PAY THE WOMAN.

biting off more than you can chew.

Via What Would Tyler Durden Do, it seems Fed-Ex is looking for 50 big-large from the Redneck Trainwreck in exchange for full custody (and dude was dumb enough to shoot down $30 mil a while back.)

S2N does not limit its advice to musicians who play pansy-boy to get chicks when they've got man-sized musical skills. I'm also here to consult the gold-diggers of the world, and in some cases, I'd console 'em. Obviously, this is not one of the latter cases, but the former definitely applies.

Kevin, come on. You scored tail way above your station in life and got to live on the hog for a couple years, never mind wrecking a woman whom most dirty old men had fantasies about from the first video where she dressed up as a very naughty schoolgirl. You've got two other kids to take care of from your other baby mama, and you're trying to get $20 mil more for custody?

Let's be honest here: I bet you don't even remember the kids' names at this point, and what's $20 mil? You've already hit the peak; just take the cash, get an investment guru, and coast. I mean, you've been trying to live on the relatively cheap since you got the heave-ho, and it sucked. Hell, with $30 million, you can be a music mogul, or at keep your "famous for nothing" rating at least as high as Paris Hilton. Even better: get on one of those VH1 specials about the 80s.

high irony.

Jason Kidd filing for divorce from his wife Joumana, citing physical and mental abuse against both him and their children (hat tip: True Hoop, which you should be reading). This is the only amount of funny that I can wrest out of the whole thing, and it's more like a "funny-sick" than actual humor; "black humor" doesn't work, either.

The complaint, however, attempts to paint a detailed portrait of Joumana Kidd as a vitriolic, jealous and paranoid wife prone to public outbursts and threats, including during a recent Nets game.

According to the complaint, Joumana Kidd used the couple's 8-year-old son on Dec. 27 to sneak into the Nets locker room and rummage through Jason Kidd's locker to find his cell phone. After looking up the names and numbers on it, the complaint said she left her son behind as she went upstairs to take a front row seat, where she shouted insults at Kidd throughout the game.

Sounds like Doug Christie gets off easy, but let's remember that these two sounded like they were on the rocks years ago when Joumana brought a domestic complaint against Jason while he was with Phoenix, so the truth is somewhere between Kidd's petition and whatever his wife's lawyer might say.

As usual, my sympathies are with the kids -- at least daddy's a multi-millionaire and I think mom had some money saved up as an anchorwoman; they'll need it for the therapy bills.

money for nothing.

Apparently sitting on your ass, partying, and releasing shitty rap records is enough to warrant $30 million of your sugar mama's fortune, if the Sun is to be believed regarding FedEx's divorce demands from Britney (hat tip to WWTDD for that one).

Normally, I would say just take the money you can get and be happy with it, but his demands for legal fee payment and such along with his custody requests (anyone know if he sees the kids he had before marrying the Redneck Trainwreck?) are comedy gold, and I want six months of celeb coverage of this stuff.

Nice going, FedEx. Keep making Clovis proud.