Sunday, December 31, 2006

break in the new year.

As far as this blog goes, I resolve to:

1) Post more.
2) Try to rip off the blogroll on the right a lot less by reading more before they get to it.
3) Increase the humor. Every attempt is little by little; I'm trying to get there.

Happy 2007 to you all, and no one is happier more than Eagles QB Jeff Garcia, rescued from the black hole that is Detroit and is now hosting a home playoff game. Garcia's even got his playoff beard ready to go; they've been dating for years.

The happy couple, after her day in court on assault charges when someone tried to hit on her man in Cleveland some time back.

our own ad report card.

Because Slate's Seth Stevenson sometimes misses a really bad one in his column, we shall take a shot at one that has come up during the sports viewing over the past couple months:

Dick pill ads are ubiquitous during the viewing time, as my TV is usually on cable news or sports (both of which supposedly attract a large quantity of middle-aged men). Unfortunately, YouTube has failed me today in trying to find this ad online, but you've all seen the one with the dude watching a baseball game while his wife walks by, inviting him non-verbally to knock some boots in the other room. Guy struggles with the decision, notes VCR, puts tape in, dumb little blue horns pop up over his head.

It's fairly straightforward, but it's bad for three reasons:

1) Videotaping a baseball game? It's called a TiVo, people.
2) The actress in said commercial is a stone cold fox, especially if she's supposed to be playing late 30s-early 40s. Like you'd have to hesitate.
3) If you have a very understanding partner, then there's no need to leave the couch. There are positions uniquely suited to the situation. And don't be selfish; reciprocate -- you only need to hear the game, really. Ideally, there are several instances where both of you can watch.


Frankly, GlaxoSmithKline should have gone with this ad they rejected.

the hot new buzz band.

That's it. I've had it.

After today's OT loss at the hands of THE FUCKING NINERS, I've finally been hit by the need to start a band again after years of writers' block and the inability to find like-minded people. I think it will be very easy to find members, and we will be hitting the personal stereos of sports fans from coast to coast soon.

It's a simple concept, borrowed from the Dead Schembechlers, who are no longer with us after their inspiration's untimely death just before the big game a few weeks back. All members will dress in tracksuits (we'll see if we have enough funds to order with silver lining; hopefully I can find someone rich to play bass) and wear sunglasses, much like the man at left who embodies the epitome of someone most likely to utter the words that shall be our band name.

And that name is:


Watch for our EP Where's Your Horseface Now? to hit around the 2007 NFL pre-season, complete with the soon-to-be-hit-singles "Rat Fink," "Tailback Factory Malfunction," and the epic jam "Napalm Invesco."

Saturday, December 30, 2006

creative methods of endorsement.

Cribbed from ESPN via Deadspin, it seems Tiger Woods and that very, very beautiful wife of his are expecting a child. MJD noted in the Deadspin story:

"Someone at Nike headquarters is very busy today... trying to figure out a way to get a big Swoosh to pass through Elin's birth canal, or somehow get her baby-making part in the shape of a Swoosh after the blessed event."

Nah, that leaves too much up to chance. In this age of genetic advances and given how early we can identify characteristics of children via ultrasounds, the obvious solution will hit the folks in Beaverton fairly soon, and I would appreciate some back end payment for the idea, because it will require some serious cash payment to get this done (that brings up several problematic issues: do the parents sign in the fetus' name? Does this render the kid ineligible to participate in college golf from the get-go? If it gets an endorsement contract, I don't even want to think about what that means for Roe v. Wade.)

Here's the easy way to do it: just do some slight modification to apply a swoosh birthmark to the kid's inner thigh or leg, maybe ankle or wrist. It may not be visually prevalent enough for Nike, whom I'm sure would love to have a Drew Brees-style Swoosh Mole on the cheek. We're all about compromise, so Mr. and Mrs. Woods, give 'em the forearm birthmark, but not until they shell out another $60 million. You're very welcome; just keep it in mind when I'm old and decrepit and the kid is winning titles.

"'cause everybody knows she's a femme fatale..."

When it comes to tennis, my heart (along with other things) belongs to Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams; however, I do admit to a bit of a thing for Martina Hingis, mostly because she's short, obnoxious, crass, and would probably take joy in beating me up, which I would love. We hurt the ones we love the most, and I have no problem with that in certain arenas (especially because the Swiss tend to be one of the many European nations where learning several languages is part of the overall curriculum; she's likely able to talk dirty in at least three.)

It seems Martina has racked up many a career of boyfriends and doubles partners to prove it, managing to earn the nickname "Black Widow" for her efforts. Magnus Norman, Justin Gimelstob, and Julian Alonso all earned severe or career-ending injuries after going steady with Hingis. Anna Kournikova quit after being her doubles partner. Now, the Black Widow has a new target, fiancee Radek Stepanek, and given that he's already suffering from a neck injury, they might as well sign him up for the hospital bed and change his status to "comatose" now.

The Cubs get a reprieve.

For dumbest signing of the offseason, that is. Just got back from vacation and saw a lot of dumb, stupid, and sad things (the lionizing of another dead president, James Brown passing on [saw him in state at the Apollo Theatre], time-bandit family members, UCLA losing to a horrific Florida State team in something called the Emerald Bowl, and the NY media hemorrhaging over the fall of the NY football Giants), but the San Francisco baseball Giants took the cake by signing Barry Zito to a completely dumbass contract.

Zito will get the usual bump from moving to the NL, guaranteed -- his curve is still above average. But giving him seven years is a crap shoot at best and will wreck the franchise at worst, especially since they let Jason Schmidt get down to L.A. Outside of Zito and Matt Cain, I don't like the Giants' staff, and although it pains me to say it, the Dodgers and the Padres will be topping the NL West again.

(Zito apparently used to date Alyssa Milano, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon of putting a pic of her up instead of #75).

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Happy Festivus!

And boy, do we here at S2N got a lotta problems with you people out there this year. The stupid just flows from everywhere. Let's get started on our personal grievances (if you don't read the Airing of Grievances, you should). While on vacation, I'll try and find someone in NYC to dance around the Festivus Pole. If you'd like to share your grievances in the comments, please feel free.

1) Horrific grammar on the part of journalists everywhere. Part of my day job involves the viewing of CNN (less offensive than Faux News and less moronic than everyone at MSNBC save Olbermann), and not only was I subjected to the regular mistakes of "less" instead of "fewer" and the use of "their" instead of "its", which pisses me off greatly, a reporter on CNN actually used the neologism "brung" in a live shot at 6:30 AM EST. No wonder you're losing ratings to Fox. At least they have no pretense about being stupid, ignorant blowhards.

2) Consumerism for charity: is there any trend so solipsistic and dumb as that fucking RED campaign? Yes, buy a red iPod, Motorola RAZR, or various other luxury consumer item and you will have donated a very tiny portion to help fight AIDS in Africa, or so we have been told. This makes about as much sense as when President Codpiece told us after 9/11 that the best way to keep the terrorists from winning was to keep the American economy going, in effect, the best way to fight a war of words and ideas was to keep shopping. With that sort of logic, being in Iraq seems like a forgone conclusion. Anyway, people buying and hawking these RED items to soothe American guilt (although I suspect a lot of it is liberal guilt) have done their part to assuage their own egos (I'm looking at you, Bono!)

3) Speaking of Bush: I KNOW he's drinking again. Did you see last week's press conference? The rest of it goes without saying.

4) Sports on TV: Fox is the big winner, continuing to employ both Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, but it's as if every network chooses to hire the most obnoxious, stupid, and ignorant-ass people to do their telecasts and studio shows. The latest example is former Heisman Trophy winner and lame-ass pro Desmond Howard, as provided by AwfulAnnouncing. (another good blog to be reading) STOP HIRING FORMER PLAYERS JUST BECAUSE THEY USED TO PLAY THE GAME.

5) Professional celebrities: TMZ, Extra, Access Hollywood, and everyone else make a goddamn fortune off covering people who aren't famous for anything except being famous. Their queen and Shiva is Paris Hilton, who turned being born rich into some from of career, but now people who actually had some form of accomplishment are actually starting to fall into this category. Has anyone watched a Lindsay Lohan movie made since she turned into the party girl? Britney Spears sold millions of shitty albums, but she's also falling into this category. It's sucking people in, and it's actually invading real news now. The most recent amount of stupid on this front: "The Donald" and Rosie O'Donnell, after Mr. Combover executed a public shaming of a party-hearty Miss USA on Thursday as part PR stunt to drive interest in the latest season of The Apprentice. Rosie, obnoxious and stupid as ever, happened to make a honest-to-god point about his humping and dumping, and the war began. I'm damn sure you fuckers coordinate this stuff in back rooms now.

6) Going sans culottes. Britney, Paris, LiLo -- this is for you. Put those panties back on. No one wants to see your vagina, no matter how many inappropriate sexual cracks we make and how much improper lust we express.

7) The BCS. NCAA, sack up and do a 16 team playoff. No other sport looks quite as dumb as Div. I-A college football always looks at the end of the year.

8) The airlines. I'm going to be reminded in several hours on a red-eye flight of how much I hate the fact that you all can't design a seat in coach class that isn't uncomfortable to anyone taller than 5'6".

9) Police, for reasons related to the day job.

10) Los Angeles traffic. This is the reason why I don't come home to visit my mother and old friends as much as I promised I would when I moved. The 101 shuts down once you enter L.A. County, and it takes you 30 minutes to drive two miles on a Saturday.

11) The general parade of anti-intellectualism in this country: Rarely do you get a daily display of the pride shown in being stupid in America. Watch cable news and you'll see this lorded as a virtue, as anyone with even a speck of smart about them gets denounced. I'm not saying everyone has to read three books a day and know the policy positions of every state rep and senator, and even that of their city councilman. I just don't want to hear another thing about X having a better chance to win an election because "s/he seems like the type of person you'd have a drink with" and has the right amount of moral values. We've seen where "the moral values" crowd likes to lead us, and that goes into...

12) Religious hypocrites: Love thy neighbor, my ass. Hate on gay people, anyone who fucks outside of marriage in an unapproved manner, any women who dare decide that pregnancy is their choice, and shame the people whom you think don't belong. The recent expression of these fucks was seen in Ted Haggard and Mark Foley, and then by some Virginia cracker named Virgil Goode, who happened to get himself elected to Congress (please see #11 for a likely shot of how that happened) and then proceeded to say that the folks in Minnesota who elected a black Muslim are basically enabling the enemy to win because he's going to be sworn in on the Koran.

13) Brown people haters: These people came out of the fucking woodwork this year with all the immigration reform talk -- Lou Dobbs got big by riding their coattails and pimping nativist crap. I'd be more sympathetic if you all were as interested in actually changing the business structure that allows for the situation rather than just trying to blame it all on the big bad other.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

no Sexy Rexy for the ladies of Hawai'i.

One Rex Grossman did not make the Pro Bowl for the NFC at the QB position, and one Chi-town columnist is NOT pleased, especially because Tony Romo's going. I understand the homerdom and I get the argument, but here is what every argument for Grossman forgets in spite of the gaudy numbers on offense: THE MAN HAS FIVE GAMES WITH AT LEAST THREE TURNOVERS HE'S PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR.

Although I'll give dude this -- Marc Bulger shouldn't be on that team. Your team is 7-7 and craps the bed for four straight losses, you shouldn't be going to the Pro Bowl as a QB.

Iverson at altitude.

Yeah, I'm late to the party, and these guys cover all the angles better than any of the rest of us could on the Iverson-to-the-Nuggets trade, so read it if you have time. Here are some assembled thoughts, and hopefully most of them aren't too re-hash:

1) The Nuggets are making the conference semis now, guaranteed, and will take whomever they line up with there to six or seven games. They won't beat Dallas or San Antonio, but they have a shot at knocking off Phoenix, and don't question for a second that everyone at ESPN is trying to line up as many of those games in regular season as possible.

2) I'm still not sure if they play a lot of defense, although this could change a bit. Phoenix doesn't play much D either and gets to the conference finals or semis. (I apologize if this is off; my attention doesn't always get to pro ball until the NFL's regular season is over.)

3) Kevin Garnett is PISSED. I say he asks for a trade next off-season.

4) Iverson is a curiousity as a player and case study for the league, as the epitome of a very dedicated, tough, and dogged player, but in a way that appears malicious as opposed to simply competitive. It's unfair that he gets the rep as the most visible face of the first post-Jordan generation of players; most of the label he gets is because he actually had some success. Stephon Marbury should wish he was Iverson. AI will be interested in re-inventing himself -- the man plays through anything, and I bet he wants to play through the popular (mis) conceptions of his ability.

Of course, all of that could be latent Nuggets fandom shining through -- going to garbage regular season games during the Mutombo era of the Nuggets at McNichols is a formative sports memories, and I never went to the Pepsi Center for a basketball game, oddly enough, although I went for hockey quite a few times.

need a last-minute gift for the lady?

I almost wish I hadn't been drunk last Saturday night so I could watch this on the actual show when it aired.

Most gifts you're likely to buy for your SO have that purpose in mind anyway, so why not cut the crap and save some cash?

Saturday, December 16, 2006

literary douchebaggery.

Couple of quick hits, as I tend not to dive into book-like matters, but these are too good to resist:

1) Judith Regan got the pink slip a couple days ago after the whole O.J. "If I Did It Mess," taking the fall like a good Murdoch soldier, while the man himself and his company somehow manage to avoid acting as if they knew about the plan at all. What really must have done it is that Regan was also planning to publish an "inventive memoir" about Mickey Mantle. The woman invents new ways to say "evidence of libel." If you Google image her, she's not unattractive -- so why the hell did she stoop to fucking corrupt NYPD Commish and derailed Homeland Security Security nominee Bernie Kerik?

Ladies, please have standards. Not in the sense of being a prude or keeping it locked up until marriage or something like that, but cripes.

2) Apparently Michael Crichton didn't like a profile a New Republic writer did on him and his last book (which basically espouses his "global warming is a HOAX!" theories). So, it looks like he put said writer in his newest book as an incidental character, but a doozy: a child rapist with a small dick. Problem is, the TNR writer happened to notice.

Michael, buddy, I know your novels have sucked since the mid-90s (and arguably before that; when I re-read Rising Sun or Jurassic Park, for example, I can only chalk up my enthusiasm for his books to teenager-dom), but if you're going to get a dig at a political writer and Yale alum named Michael Crowley, it would do wonders for the writing (and probably your wallet) if you didn't name him "Mick Crowley" and changed a few other details. There are other Ivy League schools, and not all political writers are based in D.C. Call him "Mark Crawford," say he went to Dartmouth or Columbia, and lives in Manhattan. Perfect!

Then again, Crichton is in a league with Grisham and Tom Clancy -- I don't think editors are even assigned to their books; I think they get faxed or e-mailed straight to the printing plant.

Monday, December 11, 2006

in a bad year for tha U....


....Bears cornerback and return specialist Devin Hester is providing the bright spot, returning yet another two kickoffs for scores and getting himself an NFL record as Chicago absolutely dominates the Rams.

Scott Linehan is in the early running for suck-ass coach of the year. Where do you get off attempting to play the Bears and not drill "DO NOT KICK THE BALL ANYWHERE NEAR DEVIN HESTER" through your special teams' heads?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

everyone knows "those fans."

You may have noticed those awful Fathead things the NFL tries to sell to die-hards to put on their walls. I commented on another site that Fathead owners are symptomatic of "those fans" -- specifically, the die hard that has few interests in things non-NFL related; you may have run into this person at your local sports bar, at the stadium, or accidentally invited him/her over to watch the game.

(No, I am not commenting on the Donkey secondary getting destroyed by the Apostle Philip and being the team that Fantasy Jesus got his touchdown record on. It hurts.)

"That fan" does several things that are a clear warning to stay away (outside of buying Fatheads):
1) Owns non-clothing related items purchased from the NFL Shop
2) Goes to freezing-weather games in less than optimal clothing (like these two douchebags above; the Broncos fan I never want to hang with is that old loser who goes to every game in a fucking barrel)
3) Yells in celebration for his/her team getting a first down, every time.
4) Face painters.
5) Owns the customized jersey with their last name on it (have some inventiveness; do like the Atlanta fan who got a Vick jersey that said "Herpes" on the nameplate.)
6) Taunts everyone else in the bar when their team scores.

These fans also inflict the stupid upon the next generation, as so clearly displayed by this Raider fan:

Won't someone please think of the children?

Friday, December 08, 2006

if you had AI in your superstar trade demand pool... win, as the Answer beat Kevin Garnett to the punch in the saga of whom would demand to be shipped out by their respective team first. Said rumors were confirmed by the Sixers owner in a sideline interview regarding why Iverson wasn't at the game tonight.

Ironically, Jim Gray said on the sidelines that AI wants to head to Minnesota -- can you imagine AI and KG? Yes, yes I can, and only because Sixers GM Billy King is dumb enough to accept very little in return to pull it off. Seriously, the only reason Billy King has a job and is not ridiculed all across the NBA on a daily basis is because Isiah Thomas is still gainfully employed.

After the interview with the Sixers owner, Mike Green and Hubie Brown did nothing save talk about AI's trade demand the whole game -- not like they had a choice; Gilbert Arenas made a mockery of the Sixers and the Wizards won 113-96, despite wearing some absolutely hideous uniforms.

I actually feel some sympathy for the Philly sports fan right now -- franchise QB is out with an ACL tear while he was having an absolutely dominant season with no help; the Phillies had to be in a division with the absolutely destructive Mets, who will be winning it for the next few years; the Flyers stink so much they fired their Stanley Cup-winning coach after eight games. Now this. Maybe the stereotype of Philadelphia sports fans being surly and nasty exists for a reason.

Oh, and enjoy the classic AI presser on practice, which, of course, is wedged snugly between Jim Mora's "PLAYOFFS?!?" rant and Denny Green's meltdown earlier this season as the Holy Trinity of press conference rants.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

official lubrication!

The Secret Service apparently sells a line of 1600 For Men grooming products. (Cribbed from Digby; I wish I'd seen the actual report on CNN.) Now, one blog has made cracks about the hand cleaner and soap, but I find another product more fascinating for its likely use of relief after a hard day of partisan rancor and making decisions that affect everyone besides those who govern us:

"Power Lotion." That alone means it's gotta be good for the all-important necessary friction.

go on, take the money and run.

Yes, Cubs fans, your insane GM gave this guy $10 million a year.

The most entertaining part of baseball for me is the comical way in which general managers will absolutely destroy money in the off-season despite analysis by every sports journalist under the sun that the free-agent class leaves much to be desired.

I mean, if the Yankees' big move is trading Gary Sheffield to the Tigers for minor league prospects, you have to assume the free agents on the markets are stinkers, with the exceptions of Barry Zito, who's in limbo while his agent holds the Red Sox hostage over the Great Japanese Hype, and Jason Schmidt, who just inked with the Dodgers (if you need any more proof that the NL West earns its nickname of "Worst", I have watched several ESPN analysts claim that this will swing the division to the Dodgers.)

Wait, excuse me for thinking the Yankees were acting sane -- they're talking to Andy Pettitte about coming back.

Here's a brief bit on the Cubs' profligate off-season by noting they signed middling hack lefty Ted Lilly to a $10M a year deal -- after they landed Alfonso Soriano for $17M/ann for eight years and resigning third baseman Aramis Ramirez for what amounts to $15M a year. Lilly will be a better pitcher in the NL -- most AL transplants lately have been, but how much better remains to be seen.

The WWL ran down the winter meetings, with a general idea of what's happened so far in the "stupid decisions" market. By far, the dumbest move has been on the Angels signing Gary Matthews, Jr. for $10 million a year for five when the guy hits .263 for a career. One good year gets you $10 million for the next five, and you displace a perfectly good CF and leadoff hitter like Chone Figgins to third base, where you need a power bat.

You know shit is nuts if the fucking Royals are inking pitchers for stupid amounts of cash.

Friday, December 01, 2006

"why you think the Net was born?"

The answer is fairly obvious, and now it's been put to song.

I've never heard of World of Warcraft prior to this parody, but a co-worker tipped me off to this.