Tuesday, February 06, 2007

three weeks?

A report nabbed from the AP quotes the ministers helping Ted Haggard recover from the icky gayness, saying that after an extensive three-week intervention that he is now "completely heterosexual."

Next, TMZ will try to tell me that Lindsay Lohan is clean and sober.

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Ted, the whole reason you were in this mess was because you were buying meth off a male escort, and now you're considering moving to states where there is a surplus of the stuff? Eight-balls are more readily available than cheap liquor in those states! (I miss paying $2.50 for a Jack and Coke in Iowa bars.)

I'm putting the over/under at three months. Leave your odds and what he'll be caught with and/or doing.

4 comments:

Run Up The Score! said...

I have $20 on "caught by the police snorting meth off an anonymous penis in a Des Moines Motel 6 parking lot".

I love the "okay, you're cured, now get the fuck out of Colorado Springs" aspect of this. "Rehab" to salvage the reputation of the wingnut kooks, and banishment to a location 1000 miles from The Springs.

You stay classy, fundamentalists!

One More Dying Quail said...

"Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology."

Is there any particular reason why they are getting His and Hers degrees?

Newspaper Hack said...

$2 Jack and Cokes are a college bar tradition at South Carolina. I don't even like whiskey. But, you know, fuck it. Two bucks!

Signal to Noise said...

OMDQ - it reasserts straightness.

Hack - one of the greatest disappointments of my alcoholic life and times was when the local bar and grill in my area closed down, because they sold 22-oz draft Bud for $2. I don't really like Budweiser, but I'd go there religiously for that special.

RUTS - Des Moines is too urban for the Haggards. I say it's Davenport or Marshalltown.