sweet Lord, no!

What insight could Paris Hilton possibly bring to the Pats-Vikings game on Monday outside of what it's like to fuck NFL players?

Yet another bright stunt from the folks at ESPN. It would have been smarter to do this during the Bears-Cardinals game, as Hilton could have been grilled on who was better by the booth: Leinart or Urlacher?

when has-beens go wrong.

Thank you very much, Go Fug Yourself, you have displayed pictures that have acoomplished the impossible -- after viewing this mess, my dick has now retreated into my sac and is whimpering in pain.

accidental entertainment.

Through no fault of my own, I usually find myself awake to catch College Gameday on ESPN, and no matter my state, whether hung over or super sober, it's become hilarious, because the students in the background keep upping the ante on the sick factor on the signs in the background for a show done live from a game site. Most of them make fun of Lee Corso, which is really like blowing the barrel of fish up with dynamite.

Seen on today's Gameday in town for the Tennessee vs. South Carolina game:

1. "Corso is Game 4 Cocks"
2. "I used to date a girl from Tennessee, but she left me for her brother."

You get the idea. Deadspin obtained a picture of one particularly filthy sign from today's show, and if you're better off not knowing what a merkin is, don't click on the link.

excuse me, what?

The St. Louis Cardinals actually whooped up on the Detroit Tigers and took the World Series last night, dashing a legion of sportswriters and yours truly who had previously written missives about the lousy quality of the National League this year and that the NLCS was just to see who would lose to the American League.

I should know better. I don't get paid to make stupid observations like that. However, the St. Louis Cardinals of Anaheim (MVP David Eckstein, Jim Edmonds, Jeff Weaver, and Scott Spiezio are all former Angels) made everybody look stupid, and thus, Eck gets to chug Cuervo like a champion and wonder in the morning where the porcelain throne is. This picture looks painful, just because I've chugged that bottle and I know where that's ending

either get a hold of your life or get a decent make-up person.

We can go ahead and insert the old joke about D.C. being Hollywood for ugly people, but if you are the head of the national committee of a political party, then it behooves you not to show up on national TV looking like you've just come in from a long night of blow and escorts.

Obviously, Ken Mehlman did not get the memo for his appearance on the Today show.

if you ain't no punk, holla "WE WANT PRE-NUP!"

And that is lesson #1 of being a rich bastard or bitch, one that a former Beatle forgot, and the knives are out!

The allegations are over the top and unsubstantiated (so far), but they're so outlandish, it doesn't matter. Frankly, I thought being a constant and well-known pothead was supposed to keep you mellow.

The winner in the long line of accusations Heather Mills has made against Paul McCartney has to be this one: "Mills McCartney states that Sir Paul demanded she not breast feed their daughter, telling her, 'They are my breasts.'"

Hey, it's Man Law #4: You poke it, you own it.

the jokes are starting to write themselves.

An over-the-hill and forgotten Spice Girl is apparently having Eddie Murphy's kid, or possibly kids.

Just imagine the new family version of "Whazzupwitu." Or, rather, don't.

If verified, this gives Eddie Murphy the All-Time Babydaddy title back from the Clovis wigger otherwise known as Mr. Britney Spears. I didn't know he already had six kids -- now it explains why he makes all those crappy kiddie movies. The kids demand entertainment with Daddy in it.

well, hello, Ms. Arquette; and whom are your friends there?

If you ever need a reminder that money doesn't necessarily equal taste, then you should be reading Go Fug Yourself on a regular basis.

In regards to Patricia Arquette wearing this monstrosity, all I can say is that I never noticed she had tits. I couldn't get past her plain-Jane face plus bad bowl-cut on top.

not quite Jim Mora's "PLAYOFFS!" bit, but still...

...one of the most epic press conference breakdowns in sports, period.

I was watching with my buddy Owen next door over pizza, and we kept waiting for the Cardinals to fuck it up, even after Devin Hester's punt return for the TD (more fantasy points!), because Leinart was slingin' it so well that the only way Arizona could lose was if the ball wasn't in his hands.

Green then called rush plays on second and third down on that final drive, as if he was just dying to play for a field goal rather than go for end zone with 45 seconds left and a couple timeouts. The Edge, predictably, gained no yards on those two carries, and you know what happened after that.

Denny Green coaches mediocre teams for a living. He never got the Vikings out of the first round, and despite the Cardinals being the most hapless franchise in sports, they're not going to get better until they hire a coach who actually knows what he's doing.

Any Green-coached player should not be a "no-cut" in fantasy football, but Yahoo leagues list Edge as a no-cut. I couldn't get jack shit for him in a trade if my life depended on it. Thank you very fucking much, Denny.

just another day at the U.

The best part really isn't the brawl itself so much as the color commentator, who has to be a Miami alum, spouting off shit about "you come into the OB, you're gonna get your ass beat."

Most Florida International players wanted to go to the U., but they're not quick enough to make that one last move or cutback: the real fast one that gets you from assault to probation overnight.

Miami should be ashamed of itself (not necessarily for the brawl, though, although the sanctimonious fucks on ESPN would have you think otherwise). Usually, bad behavior isn't the highlight of a season, but given the U.'s sorry record, this is all they've got this year with 2 losses already in the books, and the cheering by the fans proves it. If anything was shocking about the brawl, it was the U.'s fans showing they're just as classy as the football program by goading this mess on.

the new celebrity must-have.

Third-World Babies!

Marketing copy: "It's the new fashion accessory, straight from Africa and Asia? Pick up the new style that both Madonna and Angelina Jolie are rocking for this fall! Domestic adoptions are out for 2006; we're all looking for some international flavor in our lives and to raise in our own image."

college football, you disappoint me today.

Oklahoma destroying Iowa State, ESPN in bonus coverage because Wisconsin is making Minnesota look awful, and the announcing team of Pam Ward and Mike Gottfried is calling Iowa-Indiana. The afternoon baseball can't come fast enough.

The ALCS is looking like a blowout and the NLCS is an actual series now, with the Cards and Mets trying to see whose starting pitching can suck less so that one of them can be destroyed by the Tigers in the World Series.

going ESPN-free today.

And it's all Cory Lidle's goddamned fault for having to crash his plane into an NYC high-rise, giving us nothing resembling highlights on ESPN and everything for tributes to a journeyman pitcher.

The confluence of a non-NFL day combined with NBA preseason and a rainout on the first game of the NLCS (let's go Mets!) was going to make for a shitty SportsCenter, so they decided to go for a shittier one when they found out Lidle was in the plane. Even worse, he had to do it in New York and kill other people, meaning it crossed over into the day job for yours truly.

The best take (and a Deadspin-approved one, is here at at the Dugout.

(Tangent: How did Jeff Weaver become a pitcher in StL who could shut out hitters for five innings? Expect an NL-AL pitching post soon.)

Jake Plummer shaved off his mojo.

As I prepare to watch the Ravens take on the Broncos, I face the usual hair-tearing agony of watching most Broncos games because of one man: Jake Plummer. And I like Jake Plummer, except when he gets a little too-pass happy and starts looking like the biggest bakery in town with a sale on turnovers.

The man's a fantasy football disaster waiting to happen every week -- you play him at your own peril -- but the drafting of Jay Cutler seems to have driven Bronco fans to the breaking point, even at 2-1, we're crying for Shanahan to pull Jake the Fake sooner than later.

I've explained it to my dad, and he thinks I'm nuts -- but I agree completely with the folks who wrote this here petition, because Jake was AWESOME last year when he was rocking the Ron Jeremy 'stache in the regular season, but almost lost the div playoff to the Pats and totally sucked it up against Pitt in the AFC championship with the beard. Now, this season, he went and did something silly and shaved the whole fucker off. Why? Now he just looks bland. Denver is used to weird-looking QBs -- I mean, we had a legendary one whom even the local sports cartoonist drew as a total horseface. Embrace your oddity, Jake!

Jake, for all Bronco fans in and out of Denver, please bring back the 'stache, and while you're at it, start rockin' the Blue Blockers again. Our playoff hopes are riding on it, and frankly, I bet your job might be too.

Edit: Plummer introduced the lineup on MNF, and he's rocking a mustache and beard -- not the pornstache, but not terrible.

Tangent #1: I HATE Mike Tirico on Monday Night Football. He's prone to saying dumb shit, evidence: he's already said about the MNF theme: "How can you not turn the volume up when that song comes on?"
Tangent #2: The Broncos are already responsible for unleashing the scourge of Arena League-looking unis on both college and the pros, but tonight's full navy-blue ensemble is FUGLY.

used bin specials #1.

Eight bucks for thirty-something minutes of fuzzed-out goodness with boy-girl vocals from the U.K. that's simple, stupid, and sounds really good cranked up in my car stereo. I like the Subways.

sign of maturity #1.

There are musical acts that appear on the covers of national magazines you subscribe to that you have never heard of before and, after reading said article, don't care to ever download a tune from. All I need to know about Panic! at the Disco are two things:

1. misplaced punctuation in band name: emo :: mispellings in band name : nu-metal
2. the bassist from Fall Out Boy signed them to his vanity label.

I happen to be a sucker for a couple of Fall Out Boy songs (shoot me now), but that doesn't imply that the band members have good taste in music.

The Hold Steady article in the same mag is worth reading, though -- now there's a bar band in the best sense of the word, and I wish I could see them again when they roll through L.A., but now that's a three hour trip for a concert.

let the A-Rod trade rumors begin!

It's 4-zip Yankees in the 4th, as Torre's pulled the pitcher, and the announcers are already slurping Rodriguez even though he's 1 for 12 in the series and has already made a throwing error. Meanwhile, the Bronx as a whole is screaming for him to be ditched like the whiny little brat he is.

Yes, the man gets a raw deal on an everyday basis from Yankee fans, but what did he think he was getting into when he accepted a trade there?

As an aside, my dad is calling every 15 minutes, and loving every minute of watching them go down in flames, expressing the oft-common sentiment among the Yankee-hatin' faithful, "I want to see Steinbrenner blow his top and suffer again."

Update: Yanks lose 8-3. Congrats, Detroit. Bonfires and looting are soon to commence near 8 Mile Road -- maybe someone will get smart and throw Matt Millen into the blaze while they're at it.

college? learning? fuck that.

Every weekend during the college football season, I keep wondering why I went to an undergraduate institution where I actually did some book learnin', because every time I see stuff like this (yeah, you don't want to look at this at work) popping up as a recruiting video for athletes, never mind the co-eds commonly seen at SEC and USC games every Saturday, I start kicking myself repeatedly for not finishing the grad school applications at big name schools.

Does anyone know if THE Ohio State University has a graduate journalism program of note?

welcome, etc.

I am a recovering musician, a pro and college sports semi-obsessive, and my day job is in television news, which leaves me with plenty of opinions about the pretty idiots we rely on for entertainment on both small and large screens and the compulsive liars we elect to hold public office.

Favor will be expressed towards any team out of Denver (save those lame-ass Rockies), anything Southern Cal or UCLA, the New York Mets, indie and classic rock, old-school honky tonk, alt-country, punk, jazz icons, and especially Scarlett Johansson. Attempts at humor will be made; many will fail -- but that's part of the challenge.