your new White House press secretary.

Now that the Head FUPA in Charge has officially handed in his retirement to the Dallas Cowboys, ESPN has done the predictable oral fellation with a special edition of SportsCenter. However, one of the more redeeming features was an entertaining pack on the press conference behavior of Bill Parcells, which gave me an idea for his next career move.

(Setting: Washington, D.C., 8 AM. White House press room.)

Bill Parcells: OK, guys. We've made it through one hour; let's wrap this up.
David Gregory, NBC News: Bill, what motivation could the administration and the President have for sending over 20,000 more troops to Iraq?
BP: Look, you guys have the charts right in front of you. If you're not gonna read 'em, I'm not gonna take the time to explain them to you.
DG: But is this a real plan to win the war or another cynical calculation?
BP: David, I'll say it again: the reason we're doing this is because if we're not going to give it a shot, we might as well pack up and go home. Success is never final, but failure can be. Suzanne?
Suzanne Malveaux, CNN: On the eve of the State of the Union, is the president going to re-state his goals from his last speech or are we going to hear something new?
BP: There will be changes here, there's no doubt about that.
SM: The Iraqi Prime Minister has been saying that the U.S. needs to give the Iraqi government more money and weapons so they can handle their own security. Will the President endorse such an idea?
BP: We see a little progress. So as long as we keep seeing that, then we're willing to give him everything we've got. Terry?
Terry Moran, ABC: Bill, does the President have any comment on the jury selection in the Libby case and the fact that the Vice President is expected to testify?
BP: We're not gonna talk about that aide. We're just not gonna talk about him. Helen?
Helen Thomas, AP: You'll be sorry.
BP: I already am. You have no idea.
HT: Given the various reasons the administration has used to justify the war in Iraq, isn't it fair to ask what the real reason for war was?
BP: OK, look. Isn't liberating the Iraqi people enough? I wish I could say I had something new for you, but I don't. When I know, you'll know. Promise. See you guys tomorrow.

(Parcells exits stage right to flashbulbs and more questions.)